storyteller

I recently came across a tweet that said the saddest part about life is: ‘all this, just to die’ and as absurdly morbid as it sounds, you can take that to the bank. Its face value is exactly that: whatever life you lead, however lavish, however desolate, the endgame is one.  It indeed is profoundly sad to think you could land the job of your dreams, scholarship of your dreams and not even wake up tomorrow. All you worked for, all you prayed and hoped for finally fulfilled and life or death I should say, excuse the pun, just takes it all away before it's even yours.  It really is truly tragic and insurmountably terrifying how cruel life can be in that regard which indeed does beg the question, all this for what? Oh how I wish I had the answer to that but I haven't got a clue and if I had a sit-down with our maker before my time, that'd be my first question.  Steve Jobs said something about living everyday like it's your last because one day you'll be right and my wor...

There comes a time when we all have to go through perhaps the most confusing stage of life, thus far at least, in my far from sufficient experience. I'd argue it's one of those life conundrums that really have no definitive answer or no right way to do things albeit drawing comparisons between oneself and your peers certainly would fall in the no no category. It is around this window where peers get married, have little ones, start families, have ruracios and all that shebang all the while you have been in and out of 4 talking stages in the past month. Drawing comparisons in such scenarios will have you wondering where you went wrong asking the good Lord for a heart to heart to politely inquire if you are a rock or something. Others opt for climbing the corporate ladder making absolutely fantastic strides in a fast paced and extremely difficult work ecosystem which is absolutely fantastic and heartwarming to see. There is nothing I am prouder of than seeing my peers doing well ...

The moon looks so beautiful tonight and as I glance up at it I can't help but think of you. The shine, the shimmer, the curves, all so reminiscent of you my love. Like the warm gibbous rays gently, yet so effortlessly pierce through the night sky, your shine slowly engulfs me, parting the deepest darkest clouds of my soul. All the stars gather around as if unable to decide between envy and admiration so still they sit in utter admiration of your unending grace and shimmer. A shooting star here and a shooting star there occasionally try to draw my attention from your intoxicating gaze, only the wish I made is to live this moment forever. My only fear in this moment here and now is the first light of dawn, the dissipating rays of your swan song, one that I will hold dearest until I see you again. all my admiration _storyteller

There's just something about these so called ungodly hours:wh en all's quiet bar the occasional dog barking or cat soliciting coitus. Such pristine silence and calm, in a perfect world, should beget clarity and purity of thought albeit the only perfect thing about this ours is the sphere it's packaged in. Many a night owl, myself included, toy oh so seductively with the aforementioned illusion. In lieu of perfect peace of body and mind, what we get is an absolute avalanche of unending self introspection that is more often than not of negative nature. How I like to put it is a replay of all your greatest mistakes and regrets, in 4k, while strapped to the insanely uncomfortable cinema chair. It practically is your own brain calling you a loser and  flipping you the bird for good measure. The worst battles are your very own battles. That constant struggle to be better all the while convincing yourself you're still good enough and it certainly doesn't help receiving tha...

Today marks yet another tragic, tragic day in our beautiful nation's history albeit that indescribable, inexplicable feeling we collectively bear is all too familiar-after every single maandamano day like clockwork, we arrive right where we are at the moment. That feeling that is stronger than anything you have ever felt, yet it's a feeling you can't quite put into words: anger, rage, pain, heartbreak,all tightly jumbled up. Just like every other maandamano day, security agencies who frankly are no better than militia groups show us new levels of brutality and callousness. I have seen so many heart wrenching videos today from officers harassing a child, to a young lady clutching her infant screaming while scouring to safety just yards away from those unholy water cannons as bullets ring out reminiscent of a proper taliban - military exchange, only this time peaceful protesters are the enemy. One that I can't quite shake off is the man screaming 'nifungulie' as t...

A friend of mine asked what I thought I would tell a 13 year old me and it's been nagging at me since. It stands to reason my answer should be based on if I have achieved what that scrawny kid dreamt of and by that criteria, he would be disappointed, half disappointed at least. I remember how bright-eyed and hopeful for the future he was fueled by a little yellow sticky note with cardiologist calligraphed onto it stuck on his desk. Apropos of that dream, Iam sorry I didn't chase it hard enough. On that note: Dear 13-year old me, I would have loved for your heart's desires to be fulfilled but I hope you are proud of me no matter. We chose a different path and I am happy about it. In fact I am kind of a surgeon, just of networks and computers. There is so so much I would tell 13-year old me I'm not even sure where it starts and ends. I would love to have a sit down with him and just talk about how much I have changed, people I have met, people I have loved and lost, mayb...

It's close of business again, well, a little past close of business and I'm on my way home. Fresh out of a 12-hour shift, I can't decide if I'll eat first when I get home or just collapse into slumber right at the door. In the matatu, I could swear everyone is deliberating the very same decision Iam. Soft music plays on classic FM as if trying to remedy our tired bodies and mind. Just about everyone is on their phones. If I listen intently enough, I can almost hear the pitter patter of their thumbs going at it with the keyboard. In essence, everyone is in their own little world, only brought back to this realm by the conductor demanding his due. He passes around a tiny piece of paper with his mpesa number on it and we, who are cashless, calmly wait for our turn. After confirming the mpesa receiver's name, everyone runs back to their screens but not without throwing a pitiful glance at the long, long chain of cars also called Thika road. Iam not a mind reader but I ...

Iam sitting here staring at a blank canvas as it stares at me back as if to mock me for my apparent creative impasse. 'You're supposed to be a writer, so write', it gleefully whispers in contempt. Try as I might, I remain as blank as my canvas, only less smug.  I don't want to admit it but even a blind man can see I am suffering from a case of the writer's block. I'd blame it on lack of inspiration but even I am not that good a liar. If I'm being honest, inspiration is always there if I look hard enough. Normally, even something mind-numbingly mundane was enough to get my creative juices going, good old days those. Nowadays anything I write, I erase - if at all I can get out a couple of lines.  I suppose everyone is due a tough time once in a while. I just didn't read the part about self doubt and the whole accompanying shebang. 'You're not cut out for this, you're not even good', my still very blank paper rages on. Iam a very rainbows an...

 Right, where were we? Me, her, the universe at our feet with a glimmer of a happy ever after. And on we go with this fairytale that I was lucky enough to live.  I still was a tad unsure of dipping my toes into the world of dating but the prospect of enjoying that wild ride with my best friend certainly was enough to erase any and all of the aforementioned doubts. At the time, we were practically inseparable - you see me, you see her. We were in that all-too-familiar limbo where you're practically dating albeit you really aren't. We weren't in the Bahamas nor Maldives but it truly felt like a honeymoon, without all the honeymooning sadly.  I toyed with the idea of officially asking her to be mine, officially at least , for a while before I finally popped the question - technically. I hadn't a clue how to be a boyfriend let alone a good one but for her, I knew I'd figure it out and figure it out I did. She said she'd think about which did no favors for my mental ...

Well, it's 3am again, and I can't sleep-for the seventh time this week. On days like these, all I do is take out my notebook and scribble something somewhat meaningful to calm the voices inside or, better yet, give them a voice. That however seems to have lost any and all efficacy as my notebook remains open yet just as blank and void as my essence. The voices remain quiet, eerily quiet, which with the benefit of hindsight may indeed be a blessing in disguise-or not. I certainly am grateful, but I can't help but wonder if this is all just the proverbial calm before the storm. What if they still thrive, so much so that we are now one, and I know not where I end nor where they begin. I'm trying my best to stay afloat, all the while dreading it counting for naught.  _storyteller.

 Life is a game of firsts. First love, first kiss, first crush - you don't forget those. Today, I wanna tell you about the first crush I ever had - first serious crush at least. PS: I proceeded to simp very hard and I'd do it again. Let me take you back a couple of years ago. I was a 17-year old clueless freshman at the time. Full disclosure, I thought I was immune to all that nauseating romantic stuff until I met this brown-eyed mamaa and she had me before I could figure out what the hell was happening. Girls who can make me laugh have a special place in my heart and laugh is all we did. I kept asking myself how a regular person can be that perfect - the embodiment of beauty with brains and I don't mean that lightly. Yeah so anyway, we sat next to each other in class - Lord knows I didn't learn a damn thing in them classes. Mama raised no coward so I decided to do something about it. Iam a stong believer in taking things slow so the very first thing I did was start mak...

 It's been a while since I wrote about mental health so if you're struggling with something, this is for you. I'm not even sure where to begin. Iam no shrink but I certainly know a thing or two about how you are feeling, may be a million things if I'm being honest. I think what sucks the most about being deep in the trenches is that it always gets deeper. Just when the morning light starts to slowly seep through the blinds, something promptly shuts them leaving you engulfed in even more darkness . What they say about it being darkest before dawn isn't just folklore. It gets dark, unfathomably dark. Just when you think you've hit rock bottom life introduces you to new and improved rock bottom 2.0. You just keep falling and falling into an abyss only the Big guy upstairs can get you out of if you let him which is a lot harder than it sounds. As you go in deeper and deeper, you cease finding joy in pretty much everything-even stuff that you absolutely loved doing. ...

Any time I scroll through twitter I always come across a shocking and utterly heartbreaking story. Murders, suicides, rape stories, you name it. Take Chiloba's story for instance. No one deserves that. Where did we go wrong as a people? Where is the love? The love Christ left us to share.  They say charity begins at home and rightly so. Remember the good old days when we'd all huddle in our sitting rooms watching the classics from vioja mahakamani to Tahidi high every week like clockwork? Do you remember the last time you watched something together as a family? The general consensus now seemingly is the only time everyone is in the same room is during Christmas and/or new year-some are not even that lucky. Perhaps life has gotten so much in our ways we forget what really matters. I may be wrong but I don't remember the world being this sad and it breaks my heart more than I can put into words. There still is a lot of beauty to it but does it really matter if we turn on and...

 Dear diary.... It has been weeks since we last spoke. Iam truly sorry for being cold and distant but hear me out. It's not that I had nothing to say to you. Nay, if anything, I had too much to say I hadn't the foggiest where to begin. Like a labyrinth of mirrors, I got lost in the limbo between sane and the insane. On every mirror, I could see my sanity crumble to pieces in pure clarity right before my eyes over and over again. I yelled out for help but the cacophony of voices drowned it all and ruthlessly had their way. With oblivion uncomfortably close, to you I return in despair. Iam eternally grateful for those cold, lonely nights that only we know about. Those long, unending nights that I ironically wished wouldn't end just so I wouldn't have to pretend to have it together oh so proudly the next day. I've had those too in the recent past but only I know about them. Perhaps telling you about them now matters not but you're the only one I trust. The only on...

 I remember everything I remember it all from the first time I laid eyes on you to when I watched you walk away for the very last time I remember when you held my hand for the first time and there then, there was clarity I could see it all me, you cuddled up on the couch on Christmas morning with the kids still asleep I remember the first time we were one, body and soul In that very moment, all the stars aligned till they aligned no longer I remember our last fight you looked up at me with those big beautiful brown eyes and all the love was gone and in it's place was a look I can't quite describe not anger, not disappoinment, not rage, just nothing If I were omnipotent just for a spilt second, I'd freeze time and live it all again over and over again till kingdom come. _storyteller

I feel like I'm drowning being pulled deeper and deeper, deeper and deeper into the cold embrace of not-so motherly mother earth Enveloped by a darkness unlike any I have seen before My demons plucking away at my sanity like a banjo With every pluck, deeper and deeper we go how much longer till there's nothing left to pluck at when all that's left of me is a hollow shell of who I used to be They say the night is darkest before dawn but there is no dawn in sight not even a faint little glimmer of the first rays of shine calling onto me, beckoning me to usurp that last ounce of energy and reach out to sweet sweet freedom I toy with the thought of just giving in and letting the darkness swallow me whole and rule till kingdom come but Mama raised no quitter so for a new dawn we keep waiting. _storyteller.

Can I sing? No Can I dance? No Can I draw? No Can I write? Most times yes On most days it’s my superimposition of all that’s fiction and literary to you my dearly beloved Today is no most day however, On days like these, it’s anything but fiction If I had to put a label on it, it’s more of an escape An escape from life the master and all its not-so-compassionate emissaries Guns and swords can’t fight this battle so I load my pen, again They have me surrounded in more darkness than I can envision, obviously It’s a bottomless abyss of despair followed by another bottomless abyss of despair, To what end? I don’t know As I edge nearer and nearer to guaranteed eternal damnation the centerpiece of my armor slowly but surely runs out of ink It stands to reason that I don’t have to wait till it’s so clouded I can barely see the light before going to war with my demons, or against them but this is not my first rodeo – and it certainly won’t be the last. Can you kee...

It’s been a while since I wrote and today, I want to talk about just how temporary basically everything is. Now in my big age, I am scared of snakes, needles, large masses of water, heights and losing people I care about. Of these all, the latter scares me most. I think it’s safe to assume we’ve all had bonds we assumed would last forever but eventually, it turned out to be more wishful thinking than an actuality. All that time and effort invested – arguably for nothing. The bonds that you felt like if that person ever left you, you’d die and to be fair when it didn’t work out you probably did feel like your heart was being ripped from your chest, literally. My very own personal experience involved the heartbreak equivalent of a panic attack. Symptoms of said personal experience included shortness of breath and what I can only assume was my heart increasing in weight about a hundred-fold. I actually had to go out in the rain at 3 in the morning to catch my breath. If you’ve been thro...

 So today marks 400 days since I last wrote or rather since I stopped counting, I'm not really not sure honestly. What I'm actually sure of is that I haven't seen the light in a long long while. I don't know the politically correct term for that (I'm not a genz trooper) but the light just hasn't been there. If it has, my drapes must have been shut. There's no shrink I trust better than myself so after numerous careful deliberations and sessions Dr Me and myself have come to a solid conclusion that we have absolutely no idea why we've been feeling uncharacteristically down. For formality lets put it this way; Dear me, after meticulous physcho analysis I diagnose me with around 50 shades of something we don't know yet. Being the optimistic ray of sunshine Iam, Iam pleased to inform you that we've had some good times with a certain someone. Its no secret she was the light in my otherwise non-complicated simple life (wink wink). Now that she's go...

Episode 3 It’s about time we got to the picnic, am I right? The car ride there was nothing out of the ordinary. Hearty banter punctuated by her ever so cheerful laugh. On occasion, we’d both steal a glance or two – the glance that upon closer inspection basically means stop this car and take me now. So, anyway we get to the picnic site. I had gotten us reservations at this perfect spot bang in the middle of nature and a carriage ride after. I know you’re thinking that’s a tad overkill for a first date but I don’t care. For all you know I could have had doves, a mariachi band and the whole nauseating ensemble. I laid out the Maasai leso I had brought and laid out the snacks. I almost do not recall what we were talking about because I kept zoning out, a lot. In my defense, it was all I could do not to kiss her there and then. So, like any reasonable, adult, I came up with a solution to that particular pickle. “Hey, I am terrible at timing so I’ll probably miss the perfect moment ...

I wish I could let you love me I am tired of being alone. I so very want to let you love me but I am afraid. Afraid to let you in Afraid if I let you in you will see just how truly unremarkable I am, how big an unattractive mess I am. Afraid that not even your love can fill the empty void that is my soul. Afraid that I’ll eventually hurt you like I hurt anyone who so dares to get that close to my radioactive-like darkness. Afraid that you will flee at the first sight of the echoing abyss I have for a soul. Afraid my darkness will consume your light along with any glimmer of hope that you had, that we had. Afraid that this may end like it did last time, and the time before last – with me alone, broken, sad and depressed. Afraid that if I let you in you will see how undeserving I am of love and will duly take a permanent leave of absence from my otherwise vain existence. Afraid that when you eventually see me for who I am you will leave me and take with you my only reas...

 Yes, it’s 3 am again and I am still up. I know what you’re thinking, the demons won’t let me sleep. Well, yes but actually no. There is just something about these so-called ungodly hours you know. Thoughts are clearer and the demons are asleep or too tired to be of any nuisance. So, why am I up? I blame it on caffeine and being insomniac. As long as I have you, I might as well tell you what’s up.   So, there’s this girl, right? I feel like that’s the start to any tragic story but no matter, tupo site anyweiz. You know how the story goes, boy meets girl, boy falls madly in love, boy gets heart broken, boy locks his heart up real good. All caught up? Anyway, aforementioned girl is back and is threatening to loosen the screws to locked heart one tiny screw at a time. If you ask me, I'd very much like her to again reign as queen supreme of boy's heart. So, that’s the conundrum we face. PS: It’s all fiction. Or is it? _storyteller

Episode 2 So, where were we? As I am walking back to work my three brain cells are occupied by both baby names and ideas for a great date. As long as I’m being honest, it was more of happy skipping than walking. So anyway, I get back to work mainly to google the shit out of great places for a first date – please don’t tell my boss. I was torn in between something simple and going all in - which I tend to do, a lot. Hell, with how I was feeling, I’d have taken her to Naples. I settled on a simple picnic, simple and romantic. Oh, and by the way, I don’t care what you heard, I most definitely did not wear a tux to a picnic. The big day was that Saturday, just 5 days away, 5 long days. I will not bore you with details of just how mind-numbingly long that week was for me so let’s just fast forward to Saturday or better yet Friday night. I’m laying in bed totally freaking out and nervous about the date. I got the whole package: overthinking, making up scenarios in my head, panicking,...

Minisode 1 “From the first time I looked into your big beautiful brown eyes, I knew I was you were the one for me. You make me feel things I cannot even put into words, things I once thought to be impossible. I love you more than I can begin to comprehend and if you let me, I would like to annoy you for the rest of our lives. So, Tracy, will you make me the happiest man on the galaxy by being my wife?”   So, it all comes down to this moment, this once in a lifetime moment. Her answer? Could make me happier than the happiest of clowns or break me in more ways than one. Let me tell you the story of how I got here, how we got here. Let me set the scene: Typical Monday, I’m in my cubicle at work. We have a huge deployment coming up so I’m super busy. I have had the same bug for two days now and it’s pushing my sanity threshold so I decide to go for a walk and clear my head. As I walk out, I hear these pitch perfect sobs. I turn around like the concerned gentleman I am and the...

 They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I think that’s a load of poppycock, most of the time at least. I don’t love often so when I do, I fall hard, really hard – matter of fact I’ve only truly loved once and there’s not a thing on this planet or any other that I wouldn’t have done for her. That said, I wanted to spend literally every waking moment with her and why not, she’s dope. So anyway, I think all this absence thing is all a matter of perspective. Take the 7-month lockdown back in 2020 for instance: did your relationship see it through? PS I’m terribly sorry for attacking you like that. In a scenario like that, it’s the longing to see them and hug them again that keeps you going honestly. Long distance relationships require constant, sometimes exhausting care. Constant phone calls, video calls, sometimes being mad at them just because you miss them so much it hurts. It’s all worth it however when you finally get to plant a big one on their lips eventually....

 I don’t have a story to tell today but I was going through my phone and came across some pieces I wrote a while back. PS: not a single soul has read them or seen them, well until now. I picked this one as my favorite just because of how heartfelt it is and how much it means to me. I hope you love it too…. So not that I've been trying but I just can't seem to get her out of my head. As far as pointless battles go, this one wins unanimously (its not even close) - kinda like playing fetch with a blind dog. I'd be thinking about clouds or some other random stuff for no apparent reason (I know you're thinking who the hell thinks about clouds, well I'm weird like that deal with it) and she just pops into my head. Not in a cameo kind of way but as the headliner she is (insert okrrrrrr) . As far as show stealers or co m mandeers go, for a bit of class, she's pretty much unriva l led. If y'all knew her like I do , you'd pretty much get where all this is c...

Finding your niche Besides statistics, nothing else has quite bamboozled me like finding my place in this world. Growing up, I was always labeled as a ‘gifted’ which was cool and accurate by all accounts so up until high school, good grades kinda were my thing. No one prepared me for what awaited me. Everything was harder there and I had not the foggiest idea on how to prepare for exams and everything not to mention the culture shock. Picture a 13 year-old scrawny kid born, raised and schooled in one town moving to the big city of lights, Nairobi or Kanairo if you will. I didn’t mind the culture shock as much. I actually kind of took it as a challenge you know. Try to fit in without anyone noticing I’m kienyeji for lack of a better word. What bugged me the most was how to even prepare for exams. I tried what I was used to: go over everything one time and I’m good. I don’t have to tell you how bad I flunked. I have always been underage everywhere I go which made adjusting that much hard...

Selecting all images that contain traffic lights or some shit isn’t what makes us human. It all goes waaaay beyond captcha tests. Emotions and feelings make us who we are – both positive and negative ones. Imagine if you were a robot and couldn’t feel anything. Think of all the bad things that have ever happened to you. All those nights you cried yourself to sleep and silently wished you didn’t wake up the next morning. The pain of losing loved ones, every break up, every time your partner hurt you, every time they cheated. All these are the posters for everything we wouldn’t want to go through ever again for a million dollars and understandably so. What if we could turn the human parts of us off vampire diaries style. No anger, no pain, no sadness, nothing. Just vibes and nonchalance all the way. Sounds lucrative as hell if you ask me. On the other hand, it would render all that makes us feel warm inside about as useful as an umbrella in January. Imagine pulling in and kissing you...

Every may, well since last year, I write a piece about mental awareness May being the mental health awareness month. I’m not exactly sure what qualifies as not being okay mentally but I know I have been there before and its not fun. I could argue that no adult is ever really okay okay. Best you could do is fine but trying to deal with something. Have you ever been so alone that you feel like no one hears you, so alone that you can’t even hear yourself, so alone that you’re afraid even God himself can’t hear you. I have been there and it honestly sucks all the light out of your life. Having no purpose and no will is one thing but add that to having no one to talk to and it’s a ticking time bomb waiting to go boom leaving your sanity in bits and pieces. Sometimes it breaks you so bad that even kitsugi can’t fix you. Let me tell you Maina, literally going for days without talking to a living soul will do a number on you. I suffer from acute Chandler complex where I constantly make jok...